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Fragmented. Disconnected. Stuck.
That is how I have been feeling.
Torn between the two halves of my being: Professor Bowen - psychologist, logical, analytical, rigorous, and Erica - creative, intuitive, empathic and highly sensitive.
A foot in two camps that feel as though they're doing battle.
A moment of clarity made me realise that my natural 'home' was the creative, intuitive me - that is where I feel in flow, but when I settled in this my inner critic - Professor Bowen - came calling with a loud haler questioning everything I was doing, why I was doing it, how I was doing it.
The end result: I stopped.
I felt I couldn't proceed without the clarity of where I was going. So I got myself a coach. In fact I got two, and I have begun to unravel the chaos.
My first realisation is that I don't need clarity about my direction, but clarity about who I am.
My second realisation is that I dismiss my intuition in favour of intellect - but this is a hangup based on my thoughts of what 'others' expect, of who I have led myself to believe I needed to be.
Not who I am.
My third realisation, is that both parts of me have served to keep me safe at different times. As a child I relied on my creativity - poetry, music, art. As an adult I took solace in the logical, scientific, rigorous.
Now, as a business owner where my context is less secure, both parts of me are vying to keep me safe, and I have been caught in the crossfire.
So, what to do?
Well for me I will frame my days to keep me wedded to my intuitive self before my Professor brain has a chance to kick in.
I will embrace and love the part of me that is a critical thinker, rigorous, and evidence-informed and help her to show up from time to time in order to help others, but not lead the show.
Fundamentally, rather than 'owning' my story, I will move towards self-compassionate acceptance of my story, which starts here, by giving myself permission to be me.
My question to you off the back of this is: What self-preservation behaviours are getting in your way?